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Urgently hiring Guaranteed offer No experience required 1 applicant · 1 vacancy

Chief Beer Taster & Designated Drinking Friend

Your best mate (Personal Drinking Operations Ltd) ✔ Verified employer
Wetherspoons · All branches · You know the one

Salary
£0.00 per annum Expenses: unlimited. Every pint is on the employer.
Contract
Permanent, full-time Zero-hours, in that nobody is counting the hours.
Hours
Flexible Mostly after 5pm. Occasionally 11am, if it's a Saturday and nobody's judging.
Location
The corner booth Or the table by the window. Failing that, any table with a number on it.
Closing date
Last orders But honestly, the job's yours.
Reference
SP-00N5-001 Posted: just now. Filled: also just now.
Apply now → Read the job description Interview process: none. Rejection rate: 0%.

About the role

Following a rigorous recruitment process (we thought about it in the shower), the employer is delighted to open the position of Chief Beer Taster & Designated Drinking Friend. This is a senior, hands-on role with direct responsibility for the quality of pints, the quality of chat, and the ongoing defence of the good table.

The successful candidate has already been identified. Other applicants need not apply, partly because there are no other applicants, and mostly because we have already decided. Unlike some employers, we recognise talent when it's sat across the table from us.

“Honestly one of the best people I've ever had a pint with. Knows when to get a pitcher. Doesn't judge the 11am one. Ten out of ten, would drink with again.”
— Hiring manager, unsolicited reference, slightly slurred

Key responsibilities

  • Tasting beer. Sitting down while doing it. Standing is permitted at the bar only.
  • Providing expert technical feedback on each pint, drawn from the approved vocabulary: “that's a good pint” and “that's not a good pint.”
  • Being ordered a drink through the app and acting appropriately surprised when it turns up at table 47.
  • Securing the corner booth, holding the corner booth, and if necessary defending the corner booth.
  • Pronouncing on the carpet with total authority, despite knowing nothing about carpets.
  • Saying “shall we just get a pitcher?” at the precise moment it becomes the right decision.
  • Confirming, when asked, that yes, this is an acceptable time to have a pint. It always is. That's the job.
  • Emergency chips: ordering them, sharing them, and guarding them from the other party.
  • Listening to the employer talk absolute nonsense, and responding with nonsense of equal or greater value.
  • Signing off the tasting paddle with a suitably serious face, as if any of it matters.
  • Curry Club (Thursdays), Steak Club (Tuesdays), and occasional Sunday roast quality assurance.

Person specification

Essential

  • Must be you. This is non-negotiable and, frankly, the whole point.
  • Able to hold a pint and a conversation at the same time. Dropping either is a disciplinary matter.
  • Willing to try the guest ale, even though we both know you'll go back to the usual.
  • Strong, unprompted opinions on crisps.
  • A minimum of 0 years' experience. Strong candidates will have exceeded this considerably.
  • Able to laugh at the hiring manager's jokes, including this one.

Desirable

  • Knows the exact wording of the Curry Club deal without checking.
  • Can find our table number without looking at the little sign.
  • Tolerates stories the hiring manager has definitely told before.
  • Available for a last-minute “fancy a quick one?” at short or no notice.
  • Has, at least once, said “one more won't hurt” and been catastrophically wrong.
  • Owns a coat with pockets big enough for a packet of Scampi Fries.

What we offer

Competitive packageSalary £0. Expenses unlimited. Every pint, every time, on the employer. No receipts required.
365 days' annual leaveAll of which may be taken in the pub. Bank holidays are mandatory attendance.
Company carThe night bus. Or a taxi, if the employer is feeling flush, which they won't be by then.
Wellness programmeChips. A bowl of chips is a vegetable if you're not looking directly at it.
Clear progressionChief Beer Taster → Head of Pitchers → Director of “Just One More” → Retired to the Sunday roast.
Training & developmentOn the job, on site, ongoing. Learning to pronounce the guest ale correctly is a stretch goal.
Job securityGenuinely unsackable. We have tried to think of a reason and there isn't one.
PensionA pint of stout at 65, with the same person, in the same seat, arguing about the same thing.

Our recruitment process

We believe in a transparent, candidate-first process. Here it is in full:

ApplicationYou fill in the form below. Or don't. See step 4.
ScreeningCompleted in advance. You passed. Sorry, we should have said.
InterviewThere isn't one. We've seen enough. The only assessment is practical, on site, at the employer's expense.
OfferAlready drafted. Already signed. Waiting for you at the bottom of this page.

Apply now

Please complete every field carefully. It makes no difference to the outcome, but we like to see effort.

Availability
By submitting you agree that the first round is on the employer.

Congratulations, you. You've got the job.

Dear applicant,

Thank you for your application for the position of Chief Beer Taster & Designated Drinking Friend. We have reviewed it with the seriousness it deserves, which is to say we read your name and stopped there.

We are delighted to offer you the role. You were the strongest candidate by some distance, and also the only one, and we want you to know that both of those things are true and that the first one matters more.

Start date: this Friday, or sooner if you're free.
Reporting to: the employer, who will in practice be reporting to you.
First pint: paid for. Obviously.
Please bring: yourself. That's the whole job.

Any employer who let you get away has made a mistake they will not understand for some time. We, on the other hand, are extremely pleased with ourselves.

With warmest regards and a round already in,
Your best mateHiring Manager, Personal Drinking Operations Ltd

Made with love, and a slightly petty grudge on your behalf, by your best mate.
This is a joke. It is not affiliated with, endorsed by, or in any way connected to J D Wetherspoon plc, which has not offered anybody a job through this website. Drink responsibly, and only when someone else is paying.